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Many of us have issues
we should let go. Maybe we're still consumed by the injustices of
childhood or resentful over old relationships gone sour. Why can't
we be in the money, or madly in love, or thin? Why are we still
gnashing over the past, reworking how it should have been different?
Letting go of life's disappointments
is easier said than done.
"A lot of people think
that if I just read this book, if just take this meditation retreat,
just take this workshop, then I'll be able to let go. And I used to
think that way,'' says Darrell Pacini, a Victoria counsellor who
nonetheless is giving a workshop on The Art of Letting Go. Now he
knows it takes conscious work, often every day, to get the job done.
One of the hardest
feelings to let go of in his own life was his sense of entitlement
to feel "ripped off" by his father's absence when he was growing up.
His father was always on the move finding work as a pipeline layer,
sending for the family later. "I had this loss, this grief, as a
young adult that my father hadn't been there for me.''
He used those feelings
to justify his anger, depression and sadness. In other words to
blame his dad for his own emotions.
"All emotions are caused
by thoughts or sensations and the thoughts are based on belief
systems,'' he says. And often belief systems are both rigid and
wrong.
Doing his own emotional
work forced Pacini, 42, to remember all the times his father was
there, fishing with him or cutting the lawn. He let go of his
aloofness, his anger. "I was able to then see him as capable and
loving and that really, his going away was testimony of his love for
the family.''
Letting go often
involves focusing on the fears and "wounds of childhood'' that we
all suffer, whether they're gaping holes or mere paper cuts to our
psyche.
"It's like trying to cut
through a very thick log using sandpaper and you get through layers
and you get through rings at different times in the process, but it
never disappears. What can change is your response to the
experience.''
For that to happen,
people need to examine their automatic thoughts, often inculcated in
their formative years. Many of us think many of the same thoughts
"over and over and over again'' and the patterning is powerful.
"We incorporate that
into our world view and that becomes the lens we see and filter all
our experiences through.''
Our early beliefs often
dictate erroneous messages: What should we do with our lives? Should
we trust the kindness of strangers? How much must we earn to be
successful? Do we have to have kids to be whole?" These in turn are
reinforced by a culture that sets high material expectations on the
good life.
"The belief in the way
it 'should be' stops us from enjoying what we have and what could
be,'' says Pacini, a goatee-wearing, upfront guy who wears a heavy
inscribed silver bracelet depicting a Buddhist mantra about
consciousness-raising.
A lot of people hanging
on to grievances "over-function in their personal relationships"
trying to change the other person rather than their own reactions.
Frequently, letting go
is precipitated by a crisis -- illness, loss of job, being left by a
partner. We don't dislodge the filters we use to look at life unless
we're forced to. When we do, we have more freedom to make conscious
decisions about our lives and future, he says.
"Letting go is a choice
and you have to be active in it.''
A former ambulance
driver whose first career was ended by a back injury, Pacini has
practiced in Victoria since 1990 with a masters in education from
UVic. He, too, has had to reinvent himself and figure out what he
wanted.
Now transformation
counselling is a key area of his practice. He's travelled the world
seeking spiritual growth, meeting with Ammachi -- the Indian hugging
guru -- and spending time in Buddhist monasteries in Thailand and
Myanmar. The philosophies of Buddhism fit with his belief system
that suffering is caused by the mind and can be transcended the same
way.
"If you don't understand
your belief systems and don't have that basic awareness, you can't
work on changing,'' he says.
One of the hardest
things to let go of is the myth of romantic love as the key to
happiness, he says. There's still the idea that there's a perfect
match for everyone out there. Another key myth is the idea that if
you work hard, you'll enjoy the fruits of your labour --a nice
house, good holidays and so on. Lots of good people never find their
match or get the material pay-offs.
"And with all material
so-called wealth, there's an incredible poverty of community,
relationship and spirituality.'' He found that out when he passed by
poverty-stricken peasants in the Yucatan and realized they were
happier than he was.
But he counsels lots of
people who 'have it all' for crisis help. Belief systems work hand
and hand with energy systems, so the belief that you were wronged or
cheated leads to depression, anxiety and low self-esteem.
But once examined,
people find that change in one area -- be it emotional, physical,
mental or spiritual -- ripples into the others.
MOVING ON: TIPS FOR
ACCEPTING THE LIFE THAT AWAITS YOU
Practice self-inquiry.
If you believe that life's not fair, start to examine whether
"everybody" really owns their own house, has found true love or has
the ideal job. Be prepared to tell the truth --to yourself and
others.
Do anything that gets
you into the zone of losing your sense of self, whether it's
running, yoga, painting, riding a motorcycle, gardening or working
in a soup kitchen.
Decide to dedicate time
every single day to the practice of letting go of long-term thought
patterns. Otherwise, you'll fall back into them.
Ask whether it does you
any good to keep thinking what you're thinking -- why you were
ditched, for instance.
Wear an elastic band
around your wrist and snap it when the thought intrudes. "It
actually works,'' says letting-go counsellor Darrell Pacini.
Live life on purpose, as
consciously as possible, once you figure out what your purpose is.
"Most people aren't clear on what their life's purpose is.''
Don't focus on what bugs
you. Whatever you focus on expands. If you focus on ending a
relationship, accept loss and grief and ask what you want in future.
Remember what was good about the relationship along with what was
bad.
Think of the annoying
habits or lapses of others with empathy and compassion instead of
irritation.
Think about why your
concentration is so fragile that a person who cracks their knuckles
is so intrusive.
Think of the ways you've
hurt or disturbed people in the past and write them down as a way of
feeling less victimized by circumstance.
Think about rituals of
letting go, such as writing a letter to the child you never had but
always wanted. Then join Big Brothers or Sisters.
Ran with fact boxes,
"Lessons in letting go" and "Moving on: Tips for accepting the life
that awaits you", which have been appended to the story.
Katherine Dedyna
Times Colonist (Victoria), Aug.16/2005
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